The people who live in my building

1) Crazy Lady:

I think you must be an alcoholic. My friend and I saw you being  dropped off by a cabbie at 5 o’clock on a Thursday, last May. This does not seem odd, in itself, but the cabbie had to carry you inside. You were flailing about. The cabbie did not come out for a really long time. Whoa, scandalous. The next time I saw you was in July. You were fighting a man and yelling at him. You threw his keys and then slammed him in the car door. You ripped his shirt, scratched his face, got the keys, and then drove off. He looked broken. You came back and the cops came. I went inside to workout and when I returned you were waiting by the door and talking on the phone. You have a son and you scare me. Move out. Your son can stay here for awhile as long as he is nice to my dog. (Awhile as in a week or two, we have crazy parties sometimes) (No, not really, but I like to walk around in my robe)

2)Blue Collar- Third Shift Man

Yes, we all know about your skunky habit. You open your patio door and let it waft out for everyone to smell.You have no fear. It is alright with me. I am not a narc. You walk out with your hood pulled up to get more from a shady character in an Escalade. You have a small daughter who I have only seen one time. She has a Dora backpack and looks very cute. I did not smell it when she was here. I also never smell it during the week. You remind me of my dad. He works weird shifts and wears that same dark blue jacket. Why do people who work in plants always wear those jackets ? Do you work with my dad ? My dad is the best, however, he would not be so carefree if he had a habit like yours. I think this is hereditary. You should rent a garage and furnish it. That would be rad. I hope you are nice to your daughter so she can respect the blue jacket someday.

3) Fitness Bitch (Fitness Woman)

Yes, we used to call you Fitness Bitch. You are very fit and used to be quite a bitch. You redeemed yourself when you said something nice about my car. I don’t think you stole that thing off my porch, did you ? Where have you been ? Did you move or do you go to the gym now, because it is cold ? What gym do you go to ? Do they have a hot tub ?

4) Yippy Dog-Mom

I hate your dog. I hate your dog. I like you but I am extremely jealous of you. You have an awesome car (which inspired me) and a scooter !! I think your family is very well off. You are nice and do thoughtful things, however, I think you are avoiding your boyfriend. He can never reach you. You chain your dog up on your patio. To compensate for your rule-bending I have started to just let my dog out, unleashed, to do her business wherever she pleases. ( I CLEAN IT UP….gah!) She likes this freedom and I will be so sad if they crack down on it. So, please, don’t stop breaking the doggie rules so I feel okay about breaking them as well.